Larry, Moe and Curley ‘Blast-off’ to the International Fake Station
By: George Jetson
Kazakhstan Cosmodrome, May 15, 2012
After much delay within NASA’s Special Effects Department, early this morning a three-man crew was shoe-horned into the Russian Soyuz TMZ-F8KN-IT ‘spacecraft’ and headed up to the IFS for a six month stay aboard the orbiting laboratory. With help from the Geek Squad, NASA’s system is now back on-line, “The dang computers just locked-up”, explained Chief Bolden, who helped deliver the Hubble to the Cosmodrome back in 1990 while the Russians launched an orbital decoy. “We were in the middle of rendering a Martian landscape and we ran out of memory, but luckily we don’t need the 3-D package for flights up to the Fake Station because we already have cameras inside the mock-up” Bolden said.
Veteran Cosmo-clown Larry, 48, had this to say just before launch; “The International Fake Station is world’s away from when we were busy faking the Mir, because now we have computers on board that actually work, plus they all have photo-shop and we get to play Galaga.” Cosmo Larry, originally from Moscow, used to ride his bicycle to Star City. “Sometimes I’d bring my swimming trunks and they’d let me scuba in their pool. I got really good at disconnecting underwater hoses and stuff, so they initiated me into their aquatic space fraternity.” Larry said he packed his swimming trunks inside his carry-on up to the IFS in case they need to fix anything outside.
Above: Cosmo-clown Larry 'fixing' the IFS whilst blowing bubbles in the pool...
Moe, 45, who has already ventured up to the Fake Station via the Space Shuttle (which NASA has retired because they’ve milked that black ‘n white cow for what it’s worth), was excited about ‘flying’ to the IFS aboard the dinky Soyuz craft; ”This is gonna be fun!” the Texas native exclaimed, “I’m packing my camera too so I can post some really cool pictures of exploding stars from the 'Big Boing' on my facebook page” he said.
Moe grew up dreaming of becoming one of NASA’s highly regarded Astro-actors and studied ‘spaceflight’ drama at the Canaveral Institute of Tax-Funded Fakes for two years following his internship at Disney World dressed up as Goofy. “Playing the role of Goofy has really helped me become a highly effective member of NASA’s Astro-acting team,” Moe said. “It’s kind of surreal that I actually get paid to goof-off inside the IFS sets with tax-payer money, and I even crack myself up, especially on pay day.” Moe has literally thousands of friends on facebook and twitter, and plans to update his page moment by moment in order to keep his fans ‘in the know’ about his tweeting activities while aboard the Fake Station.
Semi-retired Air Force pilot Col. Curley grew tired of the political ‘show’ in Washington, so he decided to return to his acting career, “It’s good to be back, and things haven’t changed a bit here at NASA in 50 years. Why I even spotted a ’67 GTO parked outside.” The classic Goat, which has dummy hood scoops, is allegedly driven by a NASA stuntman who is learning some neat magic tricks from his blonde girlfriend who lives in a fake vase.
Above: The ever allusive and highly technologically advanced 1967 Pontiac GTO driven by a NASA stuntman cruising around the Cape...
Eighty something year old Col. Curley, who actually began with NASA’s Mercury Program way back in the early 60’s, reminisces about the good ‘ol days at NASA; “Yeah, back in ‘62 we had this comical tin-can that we were stuffed into like a sardine and they dumped us out of cargo planes.” During one particular spaceflight simulation, Curly had a close-call and almost turned into a meteor, “Boy, that sure was a fireball, and luckily my retro-pack stayed strapped-on to the capsule underbelly in order to protect the ‘special plastic’ heat shield NASA conjured up. Otherwise, I’d-a-been toast on that simulated stunt,” Col. Curley explains while holding back some fake tears. “Once my mouse trap ‘air-brake’ device deployed, I was able to then slow down from hypersonic 17,500 mph to a mere buck-fifty, and then my chutes opened up. Golly, I sure was glad to see those chutes, and my jack-in-the-box cushion gadget worked swell too as soon as I hit the water” Curly said with a big grin.
Above:Diagram of Colonel Curley 'flying' above Earth inside a tin-can Mercury capsule. These comical capsules were equipped with a 'mouse-trap' air brake gadget to 'slow down' the astro-actors strapped inside from a hypersonic 17,500 mph ride. The 'special plastic' heat shield was used on Mercury, Gemini and Apollo capsules to 'protect' astros from vaporizing like a meteor in temperatures 10-times hotter than the sun, but this fry-up fact was not going to stop NASA's duping fun...... (courtesy, NASA)
NASA relied heavily on their Special Effects program in the 60’s and coordination with the Soviets in order to pull-off their fakery, “Our Special Effects were in their infancy back then and were deplorable at best”, the Colonel stated. “We were faking it pretty good for what we had to work with and we used to flip a coin to see who would lay claim on which fake first, and the Soviets won the Venus toss, but they faked-it all up.” Following the Venus landing, NASA refused to loan the Soviets any additional photos of the Arizona desert or let them use GM flywheels as parts to their 'probes'.
Larry, Moe and Curley will be preparing for next month’s historic docking of the very first ‘private’ craft to ‘fly’ up to the IFS – Space *Special FX*’s Dragon capsule. “The Dragon capsule is killer”, said Space Special FX fearless leader Elroy Mock, “It’s been a few million years now since we wriggled out of the sea and dropped our tails, so it’s high-time for our species to leave this friggin’ ‘planet’ and colonize Mars.” Elroy, who has no previous rocketeering experience whatsoever and only read a couple of ‘spaceflight’ PR books, jumped right in on NASA’s theatrical exercises and was awarded a mega-contract to continue man’s venture into the heavens. “We can’t give up faking it now! This is America by gosh and I came here because we don’t have a Hollywood in South Africa.” Elroy moved to America for its rich history in fakery and fast food.
Elroy hopes to eventually strap-on a helmet too someday and ‘fly’ up to the IFS, “As a much evolved human race from our hunched-over hairy ancestors, I think we can pull-off a Mars fake,” stated Elroy while pointing to his Dragon capsule which is resting on casters so they can wheel it around the factory. “I’m sure that when the Neanderthals looked up at the starry night sky, they too dreamed of faking spaceflight, but they didn’t have cameras back then.” Elroy will be eagerly observing Larry, Moe and Curly on a computer monitor ‘flying’ up to the IFS from the Space Special FX Mission Control room.
The President plans on making a historic phone call up to the Fake Station as soon as Larry, Moe and Curley dock. “These simulations must continue in order to stimulate the imagination of our scientists,” said the President. “If I am re-elected, there won’t be any more set-backs with the SETI program”, the President stated in a recent press conference. “If E.T. is out there, we’ll find him, even if we have to fake it.” The Commander-In-Chief also vows to fix the leaky roof of the Smithsonian Air and Fake Museum in Washington.
Above: Water stained ceiling tiles suspended over the tin-foil and paper-mache Lunar 'lander' display at the Air and Fake Museum in Washington. According to the astro-evolutionists at NASA, the lunar demonstrations on Mauna Kea were essential in 'proving' man's evolution via the east-to-west orbiting moon...
Larry, Moe and Curley’s ‘docking’ to the IFS will be simulated live on NASA TV.
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